In this blog I‘ll tell a detailed story about a personal journey with magic mushrooms, specifically the species Psilocybe Caerulescens, better known as the “derrumbes” or “landslide” mushroom. These mushrooms are traditionally seen in Mexico’s Aztec culture as sacred and are being used as medicine in ceremonies.
I’ve been curious for some time about the use and effect of Psilocybe mushrooms as an additional alternative regarding Western medicine, inspired by the documentary Dosed.
A little disclaimer here, this article elaborates on topics such as death and the search for meaning in life. If you are not comfortable with these topics or the use of psychedelic mushrooms, then I might advise you to skip this article. If you have any questions surrounding this story, you can, of course always send me a message.
If you haven’t done yet, you can read the first part of this two blog series here.
Coffee has become my sweet addiction. The taste. The ritual. The smell. I often look forward to a cup of pure black coffee, especially in the morning, it helps me to get going. I’m looking forward to that already the previous night. On the bike I use a reusable filter where I then put in ground coffee and pour boiling hot water over it. In addition to the fact that coffee is an innocent bowl of water with caffeine, my cravings to it has become some kind of an indicator for how I’m doing. If I can resist this craving from time to time, I feel a satisfied feeling, as if I have overcome something. Modeling is difficult, that does not seem to be fitting my character. It’s all or nothing and I often go all the way. I want to feel the intensity of the caffeine flow through me. The focus. The sharpness. The coffee gives me that amazing peak and often later in the day I have to deal with fatigue and unrest. When I drink a lot of strong coffee for days and days, the fatigue and restlessness become more intens and it’s time for strict agreements with myself. As if it’s important that I have to keep a conscious eye on things because something inside of me cannot be trusted.
I have to admit, my addiction to coffee actually projects my addiction to intensity. My lack of dealing with silence, with dullness, being in the moment or just feeling things how they really are for me. In no other way can I explain why I was attracted to six months of cycling in extreme winter conditions.
Today and yesterday I skipped my coffee ritual, because for what I’m going to do today I want to be sharp without intense peaks and troughs that cause caffeine. I see the thing that im going to do as an exercise. I want to experience everything as pure as possible and coffee does not fit in with that lane.
Today I’m slightly nervous because other experiences have been accompanied by a lot of fighting against negativity. My intentions for this time are not to get away from myself, to experience the high of a dopamine rush and not even to find answers to deeper questions. I want to make it more or less an exercise to accept everything that comes along and to feel the ever present changing emotions in how they come and go. What comes, comes with a reason and I’m going to try to go through every moment and intensity with a balanced mind.
My first bite of mushrooms is completely the taste of how they look. The earth crackles against my teeth. It’s a taste unknown to me, bitter and then an intense aftertaste. The young mushrooms with white trunks and brown heads are the most pleasant. I struggle with the dark more mature ones. I’m not supposed to wash them extensively because this may be washing away the some working ingredients.
What makes me slightly nervous but also reassuring is that this is the first time that I’ll experience a journey with magic mushrooms in a more conscious way. I’m now also in a safe environment and in familiar company with my girlfriend Lisa.
In Thailand, during my earlier longer cycling journey, I tried a by the locals called happy-shake. I had no idea what exactly was in this shake and was also much less aware of my coping patterns and the environment I was in. I thought I was going to have an amazing party but I walked impatiently back and forth all night on a beach between clubs, music and lights. As if I had ended up in the film Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It was a night that I would remember as distasteful. I was experiencing a lot to negativity and not so good at embracing the intensity of the experience and feelings. I wanted to feel easygoing but instead became very restless and impatient. I didn’t want to go into another heavy night like this with all imposed unrealistic expectations.
Rubi, our reliable source and supplier in San José del Pacífico, had advised us for the best experience to eat them raw and on an empty stomach. She also told us how long a trip could last. She indicated 3-6 hours.
I would eat the mushrooms together with Lisa and we went through our intentions together. Lisa felt the need to make the journey together while I was also very curious what focusing on an inner journey would do to me. If intensity in emotions strikes, I often prefer to be alone, that is how I have learned to feel safe in situations in which I hardly can control anything.
For Lisa it was the first time to do it outside in nature. She wanted to connect deeper to nature. In her words, the mushrooms would show her everything what has to be showed and I she would be there to witness it. She also wanted to give her creativity some love and attention.
Together our intentions were to deeper connect, to guide each other through the journey with care and see and experience what was in store for us.
We walk through a forest. I’m starting to feel something or don’t I? Lisa asks if I already feel something. Am I feeling something? I probably will notice that. No, I’m sure, I don’t feel anything yet. Patience. Would it be intense? Would we suddenly see trees turn into big green frogs? Or would it be subtle? And did it really matter?
My senses are slowly starting to open up more. We sit for a moment and admire the nature around us. It seems as if I’m looking at a photo that is starting to get livelier and livelier. All different colors of green from the trees and shrubs become more impressive to look at. The sky becomes just a little more attractive and admirable. We walk deeper into a forest until the path we are walking on stops and we start to walk back. There is something to see everywhere, standing still for a moment and to put the attention on a flower or a leaf makes the object of attention having its own world of visuals. I now clearly feel the effect of the mushrooms, little by little I slide into a world where everything takes on different dimension. It’s difficult to put into words, as if my brain is making new connections in which what I see takes other layers of deeper meaning. We make jokes that go together with lots of laughter every now and then.
It’s a beautiful journey until my inner world zooms in on a memory that confronts me with a negative flow of energy. I watch the sunset but at the same time I don’t feel the immensely complex beauty of all the colors that show the sun and the sky. I struggle with thoughts of uncertainty and doubt. Memories come up that confront me with pain and they make me feel sad. I consciously try to pay attention to my breathing, focusing on the part under my nose and above my upper lip. Instead of struggling, to resist, I breathe in deeply and deeply. With that I tell myself that also this will pass and soon come to the realization that the hurtful and doubtful self may also exist. It’s something that I consider to belong to me.
We walk back to our little house forest. The dark clouds begin to form while the sun shows a final orange glow. The clouds pass over and between the trees. We sit in front of the house for a while and look at all the passing mist in between the mountains and trees until it is completely dark.
Not much later we lie down on our bed inside the little house because we feel as weak as a dishcloth. It is now about three hours after we have eaten the mushrooms and besides drinking water it’s not intended that we eat something. In case the intensity becomes too big, we’ve some fruit and sweets ready to bring us back into reality.
Like a magnet, my attention goes back to where my journey ended, that feeling of acceptance. I see a world of monsters that express themselves differently. It makes me anxious but at the same time I realize that I have to listen to what these images want to tell me. My curiosity is increasing and I start to ask myself questions as if I’m peeling an onion. The feeling of negativity has completely disappeared and I also realize very strong that this feeling will not come back. I feel very strongly that the uncertainty and doubts, the painful memories, that isn’t me. As a sea of sadness with small pleasure islands, this sea becomes smaller and smaller until it is a small dot that no longer matters.
My journey brings me to thoughts about death and I wonder if death is the end of all pain, uncertainty and doubt. Instead of a tragedy, I can see death as a process and an important part to a next station. There is no good or bad, there is no fear and there is no sorrow. Everything is immense and the finite life itself seems to be a small part of that unprecedented immenseness that I experience.
I embrace the journey as a projection of my consciousness. I think about my restlessness in daily life manifesting itself in wanting more. If I want to find peace, the journey is telling me, I’ll have to accept that the searching for more have to come to an end station. I feel that all the search and achieving brought me beautiful insights and personal development but it’s enough now. Ongoing thoughts bring
me to a final destination in which I feel that my years of self-development, setting goals, performing, proving, achieving, is no longer necessary. I don’t have to keep running all my life. It is ok now. This insight brings me to a deeper question that if I stop following my desires and create expectations, stop my journey focused on development, what will be left?
At the same time I become aware of the little of restlessness that lives in me and I try to visualize what it is like to achieve full acceptance and peace. As a light that starts to shine, I come to a new insight that feels like a true final destination.
If my journey is complete then I can be genuine and authentic to others.
There is no longer the urge to prove and therefor I can completely surrender. A deep insight for me in which I feel that a life in the service of others would fill the emptiness of that restlessness that I experience in the search for more. If I had to give up the tiring war to individual freedom, the fighting stops for me. If my personal journey is complete and whole then I can completely surrender to life that is no longer about me.
I take a deep breath and realize that this journey has asked a lot from me and I haven’t eaten for a while. I get up out of bed and decide it’s enough. My body and mind feels tired.
To both end our journey we eat some fruit and sweets. The effect of the mushrooms become less and before it disappears completely we both fall into a deep sleep.